Now I gathered up my sorrows And I sold them all for gold And I gathered up the gold And I threw it all away It all went for a good time and a song (come on) The laughter was like music It did float my soul along for awhile And all it really needed was the proper point of view

No photos today, just a blog about my thoughts.  

Apparently there are phases that one goes through when away volunteering like this.  We were told a lot about it during our pre-departure training.  They talked about the honeymoon phase, the “what the hell am I doing here” phase, and the feeling like home and settling in phase. Right now I’m in the I’m so lonely phase (not sure where that one fits in).  I know that this has been my dream for a long time.  In fact, I have been talking about it regularly for the past three years.  So much that I’m sure my friends were thinking, “I wish she would stop talking about it already and just go”.  I’m here.  Work is going well.  Everyone I work with is lovely.  I think I am accomplishing something and that I will make an impact.  I’m doing well with the fact that I don’t have all the clothes, tv channels and food choices I normally have. I’m even ok with the fact that we don’t always have water.  But, there are little things and big things that make it harder.  For example ANTS. Little insects, that are driving me big time crazy!!!  They are all over the kitchen.  If you leave one drop of anything out on the counter they completely take over.  I’m trying hard to put everything in ziplock bags or containers and to wash all of my dishes as soon as I’m done with them but my vigilance does not seem to be working. 

There is also the air conditioning unit in my room.  It does not always work.  You might think “Well at least you have an air conditioning unit” and I completely agree except when you have something and it only works half of the time, well, it is annoying.  

Also, on the more challenging and tiring side there are outings.  Every outing implies taking a taxi.  Every outing implies tons of “Saleminga hello” from any children who see you.  Every outing means at least one person saying that they would like to come to Canada.  Every outing means being stared at with people trying to get your attention.  The first hour is ok but add the heat and the amount of people out and about and it gets exhausting.  

Then there is nightfall.  It comes at 6h30pm here.  I can never be out alone after nightfall because it is not safe and I cannot trust all taxi drivers after dark because they are not all honest.  It means that so far I have only been out past 8pm about 10 times in two months.  

Finally, I’m disappointed in the fact that I have not really lived any kind or artistic performance. The only music I hear is slow jams from the 90’s, hip life (which is,  basically, Ghanian hip hop that sounds exactly like American hip hop) and country music.  I haven’t heard any variety in their sound.  I haven’t been to and have only heard of one artistic anything (concert, play, dancing, etc.)  There seems to be a sort of homogeneity about the culture here.  I only have two tv channels and what I see is that the TV produced here is in the “talk show” style.  A host sitting on a big couch discussing different topics with guests.  There are also tons of soap operas from Mexico, Brazil, India.  They are badly translated and are called things like Irrational Heart.  The Ghanian soap opera that I have seen shows people yelling and hitting each other a lot.  Not very interesting or encouraging. 

I’ve been reading or watching the episodes I brought on my computer.  I have gone to the pool a few times but again the amount of attention given by everyone is very tiring.  I wonder why all of these young men think it is appropriate to be so forward with a white woman.  They are definitely not like that with Ghanian women let me tell you.  

Rest assured, some of these things are not always annoying.  In fact, sometimes they are a source of strength because when you come home still smiling and have accomplished all your errands and things went smoothly you can be happy that you were able to do it.  There are always those short conversations with lovely people that make you feel better and the radiant smiles of my little neighbour kids that always help as well. One day at a time.   

Besides exterior factors there are also all of the internal struggles.  I’ve been carrying a lot of pain from broken hearts, abandoned friendships, anxiety and depression building up since childhood all still lodged in my heart filling it up. Not much room for the good stuff.  

I have placed my faith and love in the wrong places and with the wrong people. I have often blamed others for things that I did not truly work hard on myself. I have all of these super interesting projects that I do nothing about because I always say “when this happens then I will be able to do this, this or this”  I have put my life on hold because I think that it will somehow only truly start when I have a boyfriend.  I often thought I was so different from my family that they did not understand me and I’ve separated myself from them.  I’ve always thought that a man would make me complete.  I’ve always had so many expectations for others and myself and the moment they or I am disappointed everything is ruined.  A lot to carry around.  

Coming here, I was hoping to cleanse my heart, let go, become stronger, put my priorities in order.  Let me tell you, reader, it is hard.  When you are on your own, not only without friends and family but also one of the very few white people and there is often a language barrier, you have plenty of time to be in your head. Those who know me know that I spend too much time in my head as it is but now there are no distractions to get me out of it.  

Friends have been reminding me that this has been my dream for so long, telling me that I am strong and that i can get through this, that i will make more friends, that it will get easier, to enjoy every moment.  I agree with all of this and I know that it is all true.  I will make more friends.  I will get used to it.  I will enjoy it more and more.  This is my dream and I am living it.

BUT when I get home : family deserves more space in my life then I have given it.  My parents, my sister and brother in law, my grandmother, my cousins, my aunts, my roommate and her girls (because they are my family now) will get much more of my energy and time.  I have a much better idea of who I want to spend time with, which people make me happy and inspire me to be a better person and which people just hurt, which people make me feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not going to be anybody’s number two.  I’m going to come home fierce and make choices that don’t make my heart hurt.  I will make choices that feed me, that make me smile inside out.  I will make choices based on what I love not based on what I think others expect from me, this ideal that I have made up in my head about who Sylvie Harrison should be.  Cause the Sylvie Harrison that I am is pretty freakin’ wonderful and funny and charming and smart. I’m da shit. I am part of the Borg for goodness sake.  And you know I’m quite magical.  

Coming here was certainly a good step towards permanently believing all of that.  Coming here was the end of my waiting for something.  Coming here was getting into action.    

For those readers who know me and might be worried reading this, don’t be.  I’m fine.  Lonely but fine.  Tomorrow is another day.  I am safe.  Work is good.  I have everything I need.  This is just all part of being in Africa after getting a passport for the first time a few weeks before leaving.  Or at least it is for me.  Thank you for reading thank you for your support.  Thank you for your patience.  Thank you for your love.